I
left the hospital, and went walking with lifeless eyes down the
street. I looked like a zombie heading to my house. I felt so
lonely... tears fought to come out my dirty eyes, and a knot in my
chest seemed to hold them in. So lonely... In spite of the flattery
of the last days, I felt further and further from Hime.
She was like
a goddess, beautiful and bright on her pulpit. And I, the worst of
her fanatics, with my my hands stained and my heart corrupted. At
least I had managed to revenge her, and for sure the bullies would
not come back to school for a long time. Finally I had found my
paradox: I must remain near her to look after her, but far not to
sully her.
A
symbol of 'commitment' shone in my mind; I had promised to Ulysses:
Once the brawl against the bullies were finished I had to keep going
with my training, from zero. I would devote myself to the discipline
to honour the debt I had towards Ulysses, who with his 'accelerated
training' made me able to attain my target. And also to become
stronger, so much as to prevent anything bad from happening to her
ever.
<<Although
I am alone...>>
<<...>>
<<...>>
<<...>>
<<...
it's true. There is Ulysses. He'll be able to understand what I'm
going through; after all, he's somebody that has fought a lot. And
seems to have been through so much in his life...>>
I
turned all of a sudden in my path, like a wind-up doll and headed
towards the usual place of training. I did not know if he would be
there, but I equally walked in that direction.
Reaching
the meadow...
There
he was, sitting, carving something in wood, with a knife. It was
little before dusk.
“Hello!”
“Are
you still alive...?”
“What
a joker, aren't you?”
“And
well... how was it?”
I
made a long bow:
“Thanks,
Master! I did it!”
“Master...?
Jajaja...”
That
was the first time I called him like that.
“Come
on, come on, we don't need so many formalities... Anyway, you
could've been much more effective and careful, but... let's say for a
total rookie it wasn't bad...”
“Eh? How...? By
any chance you saw me...?”
“Did you really
think I wouldn't?”
I shrugged with a
face of 'how would I know'.
“And... how are
you feeling after the brawl...?”
As if he could see
across me, his gaze told me he knew what was happening to me.
“Well...”
“Well? Spit it
boy, don't make me impatient or it'll be worse...”
“It's... it's a
little like...” I was blushing, I felt embarrassed to say it.
“... like I've
sullied myself.”
“... you've
sullied...? Look, boy, I'm here to help you, so don't feel awkward
telling whatever, at least to me. If you don't explain it better, I
won't be able to understand you.”
“Damn it! I've
become a thug, like them, whereas my Hime keeps being pure... I feel
I don't deserve her, that I've corrupted myself and won't ever be
worthy of her. Maybe it seems nonsense to you...”
“Whatsoever, it's
no nonsense. I can understand you perfectly, it's something
inevitable, that I've felt many times, more than you can imagine.
“And then...
what's the solution?”
“Solution? Boy, I
warned you...” he glanced at my face and left that way: “whatever,
there's no help now. Feeling far from your loved ones, from all you
love, is inevitable.”
“But, then, I...
Hime...-” He cut me off with the next he said:
“Fight for it. If
you're going to fight, fight to protect what you love. Even if it
drifts apart from you, even if you don't deserve it, even if you
sweat blood and feel only pain, never -and I say never- lose your
faith. If you are determined to walk the way, walk it up to the very
end. Become strong, love more and protect harder what you love. This
is the fighter's way. This is the fate you've chosen.”
I was left
open-mouthed. The concept of Ulysses I held in my mind had utterly
overturned. Ever since those events of the dog I had him as a
heartless, cold being... but now I began to understand he had been
through so much, really through many more things and surely worse
than what I could have imagined. Things that I, at my young age,
could still not conceive how they could make somebody suffer so much
as to think like him.
The next thing was
treasuring under lock and key the advice Ulysses just gave me. His
seriousness when he said it suggested I should do so. Writing this
now is easy, but back then I felt for the first time the bitter
confirmation that I was alone it the world, and only Ulysses could
understand me from then on.
The deep anguish
swirled in my chest, opposing the light of hope my master radiated.
<<He is so...
strong...>> Like a rock standing the impacts of the waves, like
the tough core of the mineral that stands the erosion of the wind for
centuries. That is the way Ulysses was.
I fell on my knees
before him, overwhelmed by his greatness and strength, understanding
my insignificance before his eyes.
<<And still...
still he decided to train me...>>
And so, as that
untitled knight without deserved, I swore my loyalty to him:
“A promise is a
promise. From now on, I'll give my all at the training. No more
complaints, no more long faces. I''ll obey what you order. In
exchange, turn me into someone as strong as you.”
He smiled with kind
demeanour: “As me...? I'm not strong, Kota; if I told you...”
His attitude changed
and he patted my head: “Ok, tomorrow begins your true training.
Until then, eat something and try to rest as much as possible.”
I nodded and said
goodbye. I walked towards my house partly relaxed by his words, and
partly excited. There was no place for despair in my life. After all,
I had to become as strong as him. And my Hime existed. Indeed, that
was the only thing I asked her. To exist. And moreover, every day she
was better. Actually, everything in life changes so much depending on
your point of view... it is something that, still today, as always,
we all have to learn.
An absurd idea
struck me on the way. I imagined Hime being my master, and the master
being Hime...
“Hahahaha...” I
could not help laughing aloud. If anybody saw me they could think I
was crazy, but, who cares about that? After all the events I was
still able to laugh.
In the days ahead I
started from the very beginning the 'sensitive training', as well as
all kinds of exercises and games Ulysses made me do to strengthen my
body and sharpen my reflexes. Soon Hime was discharged form the
hospital, and could return home. Fortunately she had a high level in
her studies, and even in the accelerated course he could keep up
thanks to notes a classmate was bringing her. It was fortunate that
she had get used, at least a little, to dealing with the other
children in her classroom. Because she had been as marginalized as me
before...
I could sense
something had changed in me after the assault to the bullies, and
somehow she also began to notice it after recovering. Now since I did
not have to go to the hospital to visit her, I felt a kind of barrier
between us, as though I, in some way, were trying to set limits to
our intimacy. Doubtlessly, that seemed to be what Ulysses had told me
about.
Every day I accompanied her back and forth... but not like before. I followed her like an spy, taking care that she arrived safe and sound , to the school as well as her house. Not talking to her was so tough for me, but the remorse did not let me look at her eyes. Now I was another more bully. No; I was much worse than them, I was becoming something much more dangerous than those bullies. She, who was pure and crystal-clear as a mountain spring, could only be sullied by me.
Every day I accompanied her back and forth... but not like before. I followed her like an spy, taking care that she arrived safe and sound , to the school as well as her house. Not talking to her was so tough for me, but the remorse did not let me look at her eyes. Now I was another more bully. No; I was much worse than them, I was becoming something much more dangerous than those bullies. She, who was pure and crystal-clear as a mountain spring, could only be sullied by me.
Paradoxically, bit
by bit I was capable to watch over and protect her. If some bully
tried to avenge himself, if someone wanted to do something to her...
I would be there to prevent it.
As soon as she was
discharged, immediately she would come every morning to collect me at
home, to go to school; but my butler would tell her I had gone early,
while I hid silently in my house, like a coward.
And on weekends, I
would just go training. That helped me to forget the pain... the
shame I felt inwards, because I was leaving her abandoned. I avoided
her so much that I did not know if I could consider myself her friend
anymore. But I could not see her; no... Just thinking of it brewed a
whirlpool of contradictory emotions that shook me like an earthquake.
Bit by bit, like a
woollen sweater is knitted, my life was becoming a day-to-day of
chasing after Hime, going to school, following her back and training.
From so much following her stealthily my fear to look and talk to her
grew, and we drifted apart. If by any chance she saw me from afar I
avoided her and pretended I went by another way; my love for her gave
rise to an obsession. She was on a pedestal; beautiful, pure,
intangible for me like the vapour. And I in my fervour kneeled like a
miserable being, who sank further and further into the darkness.
My abilities were
improving, though; I took the training really seriously. For me there were no
days off, nor summer holidays. My only recognisable bond with Hime,
apart from my iron faith, was the money my parents sent her monthly
for her education. Certainly, my selfishness prevented me from
thinking how she could feel.
I was a marginalized
boy, but I could already defend myself. As for her, she slowly began
to mingle with her classmates of the accelerated course. Like the
name of the course said, she was getting away from me at the speed of
a supersonic rocket; she bloomed whereas I remained at a standstill,
always in the same place.
Although thinking
about it, that was the logical thing to happen: Somebody like her,
with talent for studying, surely could attend a good university, far
from someone like me. If somebody ever tried to harm her, I took care
they were dissuaded. I carried out my job as a bodyguard, more and
more efficiently over time.
In this routine the
months were going by, and they led into years. Hime was maturing
slowly, like peaches in summer, or the cherries that evoked her rosy
cheeks. As she became prettier she gained popularity in the school,
in spite of being so poor. And at the same time I gradually vanished;
standing out would not be in my interest since I was her 'guard'.
Sometimes I thought the girl would no longer need a bodyguard, given
the entourage of admirers usually trailed her.
Yes... The normal
thing in this case would be to feel jealous, but I did not harbour
any hope of being her friend openly, much less her boyfriend.
Whatever happened, I would stay firm in my convictions as Ulysses
told me; eternal devotee of the princess of the sunflowers. What life
would provide me, nobody could know it.
Many a time, as soon
as she managed to break free from the flock of pests following her,
she would draw a little mirror and touched up her eyes, her lips...
She had become so pretty, so girly and so charming... Now, more than
ever, she seemed 'Hime'.
I must train.
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