The Gladiator's Soul chapter 15

Previous chapter: The Gladiator's Soul chapter 14

I left the hospital, and went walking with lifeless eyes down the street. I looked like a zombie heading to my house. I felt so lonely... tears fought to come out my dirty eyes, and a knot in my chest seemed to hold them in. So lonely... In spite of the flattery of the last days, I felt further and further from Hime. 

She was like a goddess, beautiful and bright on her pulpit. And I, the worst of her fanatics, with my my hands stained and my heart corrupted. At least I had managed to revenge her, and for sure the bullies would not come back to school for a long time. Finally I had found my paradox: I must remain near her to look after her, but far not to sully her.

A symbol of 'commitment' shone in my mind; I had promised to Ulysses: Once the brawl against the bullies were finished I had to keep going with my training, from zero. I would devote myself to the discipline to honour the debt I had towards Ulysses, who with his 'accelerated training' made me able to attain my target. And also to become stronger, so much as to prevent anything bad from happening to her ever.

<<Although I am alone...>>

<<...>>
<<...>>

<<... it's true. There is Ulysses. He'll be able to understand what I'm going through; after all, he's somebody that has fought a lot. And seems to have been through so much in his life...>>

I turned all of a sudden in my path, like a wind-up doll and headed towards the usual place of training. I did not know if he would be there, but I equally walked in that direction.

Reaching the meadow...

There he was, sitting, carving something in wood, with a knife. It was little before dusk.

“Hello!”

“Are you still alive...?”

“What a joker, aren't you?”

“And well... how was it?”

I made a long bow:

“Thanks, Master! I did it!”

“Master...? Jajaja...”

That was the first time I called him like that.

“Come on, come on, we don't need so many formalities... Anyway, you could've been much more effective and careful, but... let's say for a total rookie it wasn't bad...”

“Eh? How...? By any chance you saw me...?”

“Did you really think I wouldn't?”

I shrugged with a face of 'how would I know'.

“And... how are you feeling after the brawl...?”

As if he could see across me, his gaze told me he knew what was happening to me.

“Well...”

“Well? Spit it boy, don't make me impatient or it'll be worse...”

“It's... it's a little like...” I was blushing, I felt embarrassed to say it.

“... like I've sullied myself.”

“... you've sullied...? Look, boy, I'm here to help you, so don't feel awkward telling whatever, at least to me. If you don't explain it better, I won't be able to understand you.”

“Damn it! I've become a thug, like them, whereas my Hime keeps being pure... I feel I don't deserve her, that I've corrupted myself and won't ever be worthy of her. Maybe it seems nonsense to you...”

“Whatsoever, it's no nonsense. I can understand you perfectly, it's something inevitable, that I've felt many times, more than you can imagine.

“And then... what's the solution?”

“Solution? Boy, I warned you...” he glanced at my face and left that way: “whatever, there's no help now. Feeling far from your loved ones, from all you love, is inevitable.”

“But, then, I... Hime...-” He cut me off with the next he said:

“Fight for it. If you're going to fight, fight to protect what you love. Even if it drifts apart from you, even if you don't deserve it, even if you sweat blood and feel only pain, never -and I say never- lose your faith. If you are determined to walk the way, walk it up to the very end. Become strong, love more and protect harder what you love. This is the fighter's way. This is the fate you've chosen.”

I was left open-mouthed. The concept of Ulysses I held in my mind had utterly overturned. Ever since those events of the dog I had him as a heartless, cold being... but now I began to understand he had been through so much, really through many more things and surely worse than what I could have imagined. Things that I, at my young age, could still not conceive how they could make somebody suffer so much as to think like him.

The next thing was treasuring under lock and key the advice Ulysses just gave me. His seriousness when he said it suggested I should do so. Writing this now is easy, but back then I felt for the first time the bitter confirmation that I was alone it the world, and only Ulysses could understand me from then on.

The deep anguish swirled in my chest, opposing the light of hope my master radiated.

<<He is so... strong...>> Like a rock standing the impacts of the waves, like the tough core of the mineral that stands the erosion of the wind for centuries. That is the way Ulysses was.

I fell on my knees before him, overwhelmed by his greatness and strength, understanding my insignificance before his eyes.

<<And still... still he decided to train me...>>

And so, as that untitled knight without deserved, I swore my loyalty to him:

“A promise is a promise. From now on, I'll give my all at the training. No more complaints, no more long faces. I''ll obey what you order. In exchange, turn me into someone as strong as you.”

He smiled with kind demeanour: “As me...? I'm not strong, Kota; if I told you...”

His attitude changed and he patted my head: “Ok, tomorrow begins your true training. Until then, eat something and try to rest as much as possible.”

I nodded and said goodbye. I walked towards my house partly relaxed by his words, and partly excited. There was no place for despair in my life. After all, I had to become as strong as him. And my Hime existed. Indeed, that was the only thing I asked her. To exist. And moreover, every day she was better. Actually, everything in life changes so much depending on your point of view... it is something that, still today, as always, we all have to learn.

An absurd idea struck me on the way. I imagined Hime being my master, and the master being Hime...

“Hahahaha...” I could not help laughing aloud. If anybody saw me they could think I was crazy, but, who cares about that? After all the events I was still able to laugh.

In the days ahead I started from the very beginning the 'sensitive training', as well as all kinds of exercises and games Ulysses made me do to strengthen my body and sharpen my reflexes. Soon Hime was discharged form the hospital, and could return home. Fortunately she had a high level in her studies, and even in the accelerated course he could keep up thanks to notes a classmate was bringing her. It was fortunate that she had get used, at least a little, to dealing with the other children in her classroom. Because she had been as marginalized as me before...

I could sense something had changed in me after the assault to the bullies, and somehow she also began to notice it after recovering. Now since I did not have to go to the hospital to visit her, I felt a kind of barrier between us, as though I, in some way, were trying to set limits to our intimacy. Doubtlessly, that seemed to be what Ulysses had told me about.

Every day I accompanied her back and forth... but not like before. I followed her like an spy, taking care that she arrived safe and sound , to the school as well as her house. Not talking to her was so tough for me, but the remorse did not let me look at her eyes. Now I was another more bully. No; I was much worse than them, I was becoming something much more dangerous than those bullies. She, who was pure and crystal-clear as a mountain spring, could only be sullied by me.

Paradoxically, bit by bit I was capable to watch over and protect her. If some bully tried to avenge himself, if someone wanted to do something to her... I would be there to prevent it.

As soon as she was discharged, immediately she would come every morning to collect me at home, to go to school; but my butler would tell her I had gone early, while I hid silently in my house, like a coward.

And on weekends, I would just go training. That helped me to forget the pain... the shame I felt inwards, because I was leaving her abandoned. I avoided her so much that I did not know if I could consider myself her friend anymore. But I could not see her; no... Just thinking of it brewed a whirlpool of contradictory emotions that shook me like an earthquake.

Bit by bit, like a woollen sweater is knitted, my life was becoming a day-to-day of chasing after Hime, going to school, following her back and training. From so much following her stealthily my fear to look and talk to her grew, and we drifted apart. If by any chance she saw me from afar I avoided her and pretended I went by another way; my love for her gave rise to an obsession. She was on a pedestal; beautiful, pure, intangible for me like the vapour. And I in my fervour kneeled like a miserable being, who sank further and further into the darkness.

My abilities were improving, though; I took the training really seriously. For me there were no days off, nor summer holidays. My only recognisable bond with Hime, apart from my iron faith, was the money my parents sent her monthly for her education. Certainly, my selfishness prevented me from thinking how she could feel.

I was a marginalized boy, but I could already defend myself. As for her, she slowly began to mingle with her classmates of the accelerated course. Like the name of the course said, she was getting away from me at the speed of a supersonic rocket; she bloomed whereas I remained at a standstill, always in the same place.

Although thinking about it, that was the logical thing to happen: Somebody like her, with talent for studying, surely could attend a good university, far from someone like me. If somebody ever tried to harm her, I took care they were dissuaded. I carried out my job as a bodyguard, more and more efficiently over time.

In this routine the months were going by, and they led into years. Hime was maturing slowly, like peaches in summer, or the cherries that evoked her rosy cheeks. As she became prettier she gained popularity in the school, in spite of being so poor. And at the same time I gradually vanished; standing out would not be in my interest since I was her 'guard'. Sometimes I thought the girl would no longer need a bodyguard, given the entourage of admirers usually trailed her.

Yes... The normal thing in this case would be to feel jealous, but I did not harbour any hope of being her friend openly, much less her boyfriend. Whatever happened, I would stay firm in my convictions as Ulysses told me; eternal devotee of the princess of the sunflowers. What life would provide me, nobody could know it.

Many a time, as soon as she managed to break free from the flock of pests following her, she would draw a little mirror and touched up her eyes, her lips... 

She had become so pretty, so girly and so charming... Now, more than ever, she seemed 'Hime'.

I must train.